Walk of Shame Pass

Well, I wish I could say that my pastors at church read about our weekly walk of shame on Sunday and wrote me back with this:

Dear Woo Crew,

We read on your blog (what wonderful beginnings for a ministry) about your walk of shame on Sundays and really truly understand your pain. Since Sunday mornings are a challenge to get to church for your family, we focused on this during out weekly staff meeting and thought that we could assist you with several items to make your Sunday morning life much easier.   

1. Visitor Parking - you are more than welcome to park in the most upfront, closest to church visitor parking spot even though you have been a member for the last 5 years. For goodness sakes, take the handicap parking spot if you need to! That request to park off campus in the neighborhood because we are overcrowded doesn't apply to you.  

2. Back Row Reserved - We are just going to go ahead and reserve the back row pew for you. We'll even put a plaque on it with your name. You now have permanent real estate because it IS all about location, location, location.  

3. Donut Run - Since the kids are a little bit tired when they come to church, we'll just leave 3 boxes of donut holes on your pew for them that way you don't have to make the donut run yourself.  

We are just happy that you come to church and love seeing your whole family there. If I could, I'd stop in the middle of my sermon to give you guys a thumbs up just for being there!

No judgment.
Love,
Your church pastors

Dear Admissions Director (Part 2)

Dear Admissions Director,


I’ve been thinking about this admissions process a little bit more after my first letter.

You see getting into school has turned into an educational ivory tower cage fight – starting in kindergarten and some places even earlier! I guess this is to weed out the weak. Today’s kids and parents need to be tough.  

I get it and I can handle this – we are on the five year pre-plan--pre-plan plan. I already blacked out the dates for all your open houses for the next five years for all levels of your school: lower, middle, and upper. My babysitters are already set up. I could go 5 more years into the future, but that would just be overkill. 

And, of course, we asked our newest, closest friend there for a recommendation and let you know that “Hey, we really like your school!” Although, through the grapevine, we heard our newest, closest friend told you that we thought “The admissions director drools.” Nooo, we don’t think that. Never! I am perplexed. There must have been a misunderstanding. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact they also have a kid they are trying to get into the same school and grade. (Note to self: trust no one.)

My husband and I also realize the importance to know and understand your school before we even visit. Your website provides great information not to mention that when cross referenced with public data bases, Google, Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter for school and administration staff you can really learn a lot about the people. (Wow, you crushing on Si Robertson? Really? Never would have guessed. Thought it would have been Willie, but Si is a good choice, too.) This is a much better than the outdated method of stealing borrowing school directories and yearbooks for a list of the school employees to memorize their faces so that when we saw them during a school tour we could give them a friendly shout out and hi-five.

By the way, I would like to make a suggestion about the open houses so you don’t waste your valuable time. Those parents who have questions during the Q&A session really don’t care what your answers are. All they hear is “waah, waah-waah” like Charlie Brown’s teachers talking. What they really want is you to see THEM all dressed up she-she-poo-poo. (Posers. Everybody knows that once you’re in, ALL the moms just wear workout clothes.) I would just omit the Q&A because if parents haven’t done their homework on social media, they just can’t be that interested and you are their back-up school.   

All this may give you the impression that all those families out there are neurotic with a sprinkle of OCD to top it off, well, you are just sooo perceptive because you are right. Those families ARE cra-zay! But, not us.   

It’s a battle field out there.

Sincerely,
Parent of an applicant